Antichrist Deeply Uncomfortable With Perceived Connection to Peter Thiel
HELL — The Antichrist issued a sweeping denial of any relationship with Peter Thiel this Wednesday following numerous remarks made by the Silicon Valley billionaire that thrust the false prophet into the spotlight, fueling speculation that the two may have deep personal ties, confirmed sources.
“It is deeply frustrating to have your name dragged into something as horrific as being associated with someone like Peter Thiel. I have never met Peter, I’ve never spoken to him, and I have no desire to be connected to him in any way,” clarified the Son of Perdition. “We do have a lot in common actually, but I find him deeply off-putting. The constant name-dropping is a bit pathetic, and the imagined connection between us has become very irritating; I understand that he’s very popular in Hell, but I’ve told Adolf and the others countless times that they’ll have to wait for him to die to get here. I don’t want him hovering around.”
The statement follows a series of high-profile lectures given by Thiel that discussed the true nature of the Beast.
“It’s interesting, at first I began researching the Antichrist in order to prevent his arrival, but as I learned more, I began to feel a great deal of kinship with him,” said venture capitalist Peter Thiel. “According to Daniel 11:36-39, the Antichrist’s true nature will be revealed to the world through various signs; he will love wealth, he will exalt human logic above faith, he will not desire women. If anyone understands this figure, it is me. I understand him deeply, and I think about him often.”
White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller, a well-known associate of the Antichrist, confirmed that he had not seen Thiel with the Coming Prince.
“Due to the nature of my job, I consult with the Antichrist often. They are both invaluable allies to the administration and its goals, and have visited the White House many times, but I’ve never seen them together,” Miller explained. “I admire Thiel and his vision of a techno-authoritarian future, but he’s jeopardizing our plans. A key aspect of the ascension of the Beast is that he be adored by the masses, which would not be possible for someone with a public connection to Peter Thiel.”
At press time, Thiel was reportedly giddy upon hearing the Antichrist say his name.
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