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Home/Satire - The Onion/Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

September 11, 2026

Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today’s NFL gear.

Explore the uniform in detail

Musk Compound Map

BUILT-IN RADIO: LETS COACHES FEED PLAYERS CORRECT RESPONSES TO CONCUSSION QUESTIONNAIRE

TITANIUM FACE MASK: PREVENTS TEAMMATES FROM EATING EACH OTHER

SLEEVES: KEEP PLAYERS MODEST IN THE EYES OF THE LORD

MICROSCOPIC “END RACISM” PATCH

VENTILATED PANELS: KEEP NIPPLES COOL AND ERECT

CHEST-MOUNTED AIRBAG: DEPLOYS AFTER EVERY HIT

FLARE GUN: IN CASE PLAYER IS LOST AT THE BOTTOM OF PILEUP

SENSOR-EMBEDDED JOCKSTRAP: TRANSMITS REAL-TIME DATA ON GENITAL VELOCITY

AI-POWERED PANTS: MONITOR PLAYER’S LEGS TO ENSURE LIMBS STILL ATTACHED

ADAPTIVE STUDS: PROVIDE CONSISTENT GRIP WHETHER RUNNING, PIVOTING, PRANCING, FROLICKING, TWIRLING, OR CAPERING

RED CIRCLE: INDICATES WHICH PLAYER CURRENTLY SELECTED

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