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Home/Satire - The Onion/Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

September 11, 2026

Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms

Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today’s NFL gear.

Explore the uniform in detail

Musk Compound Map

BUILT-IN RADIO: LETS COACHES FEED PLAYERS CORRECT RESPONSES TO CONCUSSION QUESTIONNAIRE

TITANIUM FACE MASK: PREVENTS TEAMMATES FROM EATING EACH OTHER

SLEEVES: KEEP PLAYERS MODEST IN THE EYES OF THE LORD

MICROSCOPIC “END RACISM” PATCH

VENTILATED PANELS: KEEP NIPPLES COOL AND ERECT

CHEST-MOUNTED AIRBAG: DEPLOYS AFTER EVERY HIT

FLARE GUN: IN CASE PLAYER IS LOST AT THE BOTTOM OF PILEUP

SENSOR-EMBEDDED JOCKSTRAP: TRANSMITS REAL-TIME DATA ON GENITAL VELOCITY

AI-POWERED PANTS: MONITOR PLAYER’S LEGS TO ENSURE LIMBS STILL ATTACHED

ADAPTIVE STUDS: PROVIDE CONSISTENT GRIP WHETHER RUNNING, PIVOTING, PRANCING, FROLICKING, TWIRLING, OR CAPERING

RED CIRCLE: INDICATES WHICH PLAYER CURRENTLY SELECTED

  • Football, Sports

    Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season

    Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season
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    Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys

    Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
  • Football, Sports

    Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life

    Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life
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