Zuckerberg Insists SOS Would Have Reached More Yachts if Endangered Boat Boosted It for $10

ALASKA — Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on claims that his yacht did not hear the distress call of a nearby skiff that had run out of fuel, insisting that the stranded vessel could have easily boosted engagement for just $10, oceaninc sources confirm. 

“The idea that my yacht would have knowingly violated maritime law by refusing to acknowledge a distress call is absurd,” said the Meta CEO in an Instagram reel early this morning. “If that SOS was really so important to those stranded sailors, they should have used the boost feature. Whether you’re trying to promote a small business, an event, or are currently stranded at sea, for just $10 you can boost your post’s visibility and cast, excuse the pun, a wider net. It’s funny, because a lot of boats have nets.” 

Many maritime law experts find Zuckerberg’s excuse thin and are calling for a full investigation. 

“These laws exist for good reason — the ocean is a dangerous place,” said senior Maritime lawyer Charles Quidd. “You do not ignore a distress signal; that is an absolutely sacred, iron-clad rule. It is not uncommon for people to change course during races they’ve trained months for in order to respond to distress calls; that’s how serious they are. The idea that Zuckerberg’s yacht somehow has an algorithm that filters out distress calls that have not been boosted for a small fee points to criminal negligence at best.” 

Crew of the stranded vessel also expressed disappointment. 

“Yeah, okay, we did get a pop-up telling us our SOS ‘post’ ‘seemed important’ and offering to boost its reach for $10, and yeah, we desperately wanted to survive, but I’ll be damned if I put one red cent into that machiovelian fucks pocket!” said first mate Adam Henderson. “First his algorithm disrupts the media as we know it, now he’s coming after distress signals? I actually did use Boost a year ago trying to get more eyeballs on a treadmill I was trying to sell, and it didn’t do shit!” 

At press time, Zuckerberg announced a new Metaverse world where drowning users can explore a large swatch of digitally rendered dry land. 

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