Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was…
Iran Says it Will Reopen Strait if Trump Admits He Lost in 2020
Planet Volumes on Unsplash TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the government of Iran announced on Thursday that it would only reopen the Strait of Hormuz when he admits he lost the 2020 election. “The whole…
DNC Establishment Alarmed Over Growing Trend of Radical Muslims Hellbent on Providing Affordable Housing and Healthcare
DETROIT — Progressive Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed’s defeat of centrist Nikki Haley raised alarm bells for establishment Democrats, according to weeping DNC sources. “We’re all in shock. We did everything right and still El-Sayed won. AIPAC gave us…
Oprah Announces Closure Of School For Girls In Africa
Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending operations after almost two decades. What do you think? “Recess forever!” Dwight Hoffa, Flute Tuner “They must have run out of…
New ‘Ted Lasso’ Season Aims To Teach Viewers About Shapes, Colors
NEW YORK—Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the show’s fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. “At this…
Last Couple Hours of Acid Trip Spent Doing Laundry
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed. “Man, it was so awesome to open up my consciousness today and feel such an overwhelming sensation of love and connection…
Live Better Than A King
Live Better Than A King: Lord over this 750-square-foot studio replete with modern electricity—a luxury that Cyrus the Great, Charlemagne, and even the powerful Genghis Khan never experienced. Reference #21087 The post Live Better Than A King appeared…
Bay Area Children Set Up Adrenochrome Stand On Side Of Road
ATHERTON, CA—With a hand-painted sign taped to the front of their fold-up card table, local Bay Area children Rowan and Amanda Denton reportedly opened an adrenochrome stand Wednesday along a busy suburban road. “Adrenochrome! Adrenochrome for sale!…
Ring Launches Streaming Service
HAWTHORNE, CA—Providing customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new streaming service Wednesday. Company officials said Ring+, as the subscription platform is called, features…
Worm Leaves Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.’s Brain
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the latest rebuke to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s tenure as Health Secretary, on Wednesday a worm who dined in the candidate’s brain posted a brutal review on Yelp. The…