Mark Duplass Announces Plans To Show His Dick in Whatever Project He Does Next

HOLLYWOOD — Director and actor Mark Duplass announced plans to display his “cock,” “two balls,” and if time permits, “juicy ass” in whatever project he does next, confirmed sources.

“I’ve always felt very strongly that on-screen nudity should not feature any unwilling participants. And the best way for me to combat that is through an unwavering commitment to splay my mumblecore balls across screens big and small,” explained Duplass. “And as an artist, I think it’s important not to limit my penile potential to moving pictures. Rest assured that whatever I do next, be it another season of ‘Creep,’ my own celebrity tequila brand, or the dust jacket of my memoirs, the butcher shop is going to be open for business.”

Actor and frequent collaborator Steve Zissis provided his take on Duplass’s usage of nudity.

“Unlike a lot of directors in Hollywood, Mark never once pressured me into doing something I didn’t want to do. In fact, just the opposite. He routinely offered to take his pants off if it would help make everyone feel more comfortable. And that was just during an early production meeting. We never took him up on it, of course, but it’s nice to have the option,” said Zissis. “Full disclosure, he did once rest his dick on my shoulder and pretended it was squawking like a parrot. But that shit was hilarious. He calls that move ‘the pirate.’”

Film Historian Dr. Jonah Nugyen elaborated on the rise of male nudity in movies.

“While female nudity has been fairly common for decades, ding dongs on film are a relatively new occurrence. Yet, Duplass is an outlier. Sadly, many of the penises we’ve seen flapping at 24 frames per second are, in fact, prosthetics,” said Nguyen. “I know. It’s truly heartbreaking to learn that Alexander Skarsgård’s veiny throbber in ‘Infinity Pool’ was just a girthy rubber fugazi. Heck, I still remember the day I learned that the alpha zombie’s hog in ‘28 Days Later’ was fake. It was like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real and 9/11 wasn’t an inside job all rolled into one.”

At press time, Duplass is pitching a new horror movie titled “The Turkey Bird Killer” in which he tucks his genitals between his legs and runs at his victims backwards.

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