Karoline Leavitt Says She’ll Still Defend Pedophiles on Pro Bono Basis After Exiting White House

WASHINGTON — Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is leaving her position as one of the nation’s top pedophile defenders but will continue to protect abusers in a less formal capacity, sources confirm.

“I got into this line of work because I am very passionate about running defense for rich, powerful pedophiles,” said Leavitt, clearly struggling under the weight of her massive cross pendant. “Just because I’m not going to be Press Secretary any longer doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing this work that I’m so personally invested in. While I’ll have my hands full raising my kids and feeding and wiping my elderly husband, I plan on devoting my free time to consulting with wealthy, elite predators of women and children. I learned so much working alongside some of the world’s greatest abusers and will use the knowledge I’ve gained to help keep rich white men from facing any consequences or punishment for their impressively malignant deeds. Sure, it will be tough to make the transition from lying on behalf of the most powerful pedophile on the planet to working with less prestigious clients, but I’ll just be happy to continue doing what I love.”

At press time, Leavitt had been spotted having lunch with Jared Leto and Russell Brand at an upscale DC restaurant. 

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