I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat

I’m the housecat in a two-bedroom shared by four 23-year-old numbskulls, and I’m here to tell my story.

I am sick and tired of being told I don’t pay rent when I am constantly providing free therapy to you… Basically old children. I know you think I don’t see you Tweeting your little Tweets about how I’m ‘unbothered’ and ‘live here rent free,’ but I do see, and I also saw you crying for three hours about how Jessica left you again. By the way, the only reason I got into the food bag the other day is because literally not one single person out of the four of you remembered to feed me, so you can go edit your cute little Instagram caption saying I need Ozempic, you fucking prick.

I put in work every single day just like the rest of you. Come to think of it, I actually work more than you. Sarah masquerades as an influencer while her parents send her rent money, Ashley works part-time as a barista and part-time as the biggest pain in my fluffy ass, I don’t even fucking know what Marco does, but he gets home at 4 o’clock in the morning smelling like cigarettes and Nerds Rope for some reason, and Victor I’m pretty sure sells stolen iPhones. I put in at least four hour-long shifts per day listening to all your dumb ass problems, and then I have to feed myself, make sure the burners are off in the kitchen, sweep the floor with my tail, and diligently poop in Ashley’s shoes.

Ever heard of unpaid emotional labor? No, of course not, because you don’t know how to read past a third-grade level, which I guess is why you’re all unable to find and book an actual professional to help you with the fact that your mothers don’t love you. No, not even Sarah’s.

You know what? I’m going to actually get my degree, and then I’ll be able to afford my own place away from you losers.

I’ll leave my key and my portion of the deposit.

The post I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat appeared first on HARDTIMES.