Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species

WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s last remaining endangered species.

“Whooping crane’s served!” said an apron-clad Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, who manned multiple grills on the new patio in the White House Rose Garden and was seen struggling to flip the vanishing bird’s three-foot-long wings with a set of tongs. “Hoo boy, that’s looking good. Get ’em while you still can, people! I’m about to throw some woodland caribou on there, too. Oh, and the jaguars! You won’t find these anywhere else in the whole country. Just tell me how you want yours cooked. You know how it is—some folks like their jaguar well-done, others like it still roaring.”

“Ah shoot, that was the last one of those,” Burgum added as he fumbled a juicy thigh from the world’s only remaining Laysan duck and it fell in the dirt at his feet. “Well, I suppose I can still make some kabobs from that ivory-billed woodpecker we found.”   

According to government sources, the weekend event was the culmination of an order issued by the president and carried out by U.S. Fish and Wildlife agents, who were deployed in all 50 states to hunt down every animal and plant covered by the Endangered Species Act and take steps to preserve the “texture and flavor of any such specimens.” The so-called “kill and brine” mission has seen over 1,600 of the nation’s most at-risk wildlife species butchered, seasoned, and smoked on thousands of barbecue pits dispatched by the Interior Department to nature preserves across America.

At the event in Washington, Fish and Wildlife Service director Brian Nesvik stood alongside Sen. Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming and Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin, who watched as the world’s last 50 or so Māui dolphins rotated on their spits, slowly roasting at 225 degrees until they were fall-off-the-bone tender.

“I came back for seconds of the red wolf, but those are all gone, unfortunately,” said Nesvik, who showed reporters the homemade spice mix he brought to use as a dry rub for barbecuing Hawaiian monk seal. “Might have to try me some Sonoran pronghorn while I still have a chance. [Supreme Court Justice Brett] Kavanaugh told me it’s great if you put a little mango habanero glaze on there. I gave him a little taste of the black-footed ferret off my plate—that stuff was nice and moist and had an interesting tang to it.”

“Honestly, the best part of this cookout has been chowing down on species I’ve never even heard of,” Nesvik continued. “Who knew Gulf Coast jaguarundi was so good?”

Eyewitness accounts indicated not all dishes were equally popular. EPA administrator Lee Zeldin was seen fighting with Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins over a plate of ribs from the last surviving southern sea otter, such was the demand for its reportedly succulent flesh. Meanwhile, the scalloped hammerhead sharks—which attendees agreed looked impressive with apples in their mouths and on silver platters borrowed from the White House—were deemed bland and “too fishy,” causing several hundred pounds of half-eaten carcasses to be thrown away.

“This smalltooth sawfish tastes like ass,” said barbecue guest and ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, who also complained that the last hawksbill sea turtle should have been served “with perfect sear marks” instead of in the thin, watery soup that failed to satisfy his appetite. “Thank God they’ve got that Rice’s whale searing over the charcoal, or I’d go hungry. I mean, the Utah prairie dog they offered was so emaciated you could barely sink your teeth into it. And the vegetarian options are a joke. I don’t even know why they bothered with this slimy ghost orchid risotto.”

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