Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He’s NBA Superstar
MCCOOK, IL—Complaining that he couldn’t even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukašin Petrović told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA…
Kirk Devine
Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine’s body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.
Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses
Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that don’t exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think? “Big whoop. McDonald’s PlayPlaces whip up new…
Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended
The post Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended appeared first on The Onion.
Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi
The post Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions
WASHINGTON—Surrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions.…
SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think? “Brush it under Neptune. No one will ever…
Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device. “A sweep by intelligence officials…
Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer
WASHINGTON—With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to…
Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment
The post Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment appeared first on The Onion.