I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield

Yeah. That’s right. You don’t have shit. What do you have in your pocket? Nothing! It’s because you’re broke as fuck. 

“Take me away, to a higher place”…yeah…like the Billboard Top 100. Heard of it? Any of your dumb, weak shit chart? Huh? Nope. NOPE.

Oh, what, you thought…no. Don’t. I’m not from Australia. I’m London-born and New Zealand-raised. New Zealand. Population: 5.3 million. Every single one of them could kick your fucking dumbass, and also every single one of them has heard of me, and NOBODY there has heard of you. My brother was a judge on the first season of New Zealand’s version of the X-Factor. What does your brother do, Construction?!

My shit was featured in promo spots for Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy. You know what’s desperate? You. And your anatomy? Weak-ass arms and soft features. This song was in commercials for the syndication of Lost. LOST. The only Lost you got was on your way to that empty open mic with that silly little ass Takamine acoustic guitar you got from your parents when you were in 10th grade for Christmas. Loser. Clown. Bitch. Clown Fucker. Dumbshit. Asshole. Asshole loser dumb shit. Piece of shit. Piece of bitch shit. Bitch piece of clown. Assclown. Dumb bitch loser fuck. Piece of dumbshit bitch clown. Fuckclown.

We don’t even have 10th grade where I’m from! We call it Year 11. That’s right. Fuck the United States. Weak-ass imperialist declining empire. You, your whole rotten country, and your dickless president are a joke! Everyone is laughing at you.

The sun lives in my pocket, OK? Do you get that? Do you understand what the fuck I’m saying? Helios, the Greek Titan god who drives the sun chariot across the sky each day, sits at my right hand. What’s in your pocket, an iPhone 4S? Motherfucker, get a new phone already! 

You should be bowing down to me every time the sun kisses that ugly face with those big ass pores and that crossbite. Your parents were right! You should have kept wearing your retainers after your braces came off. Now you’re paying for Invisalign to fix that shit! No wonder you’re so broke.

My name is Natasha Mother Fucking Bedingfield, but your lame ass can call me GOD. 

The post I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield appeared first on HARDTIMES.