RFK Jr. Suggests Most Mental Illness Could Be Cured by Cheating on Your Wife All the Time
WASHINGTON — A new study regarding mental health conducted and written by Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. concluded that nearly all mental illnesses can be eradicated through cheating on your wife all of the time, department reps have confirmed.
“Many Americans suffering from mental afflictions like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia attempt to mitigate them with dangerous pharmaceuticals and therapy. But through intense, thorough research by yours truly I can safely conclude as the sole test subject of the study that the best cure for any cranial disease is to denounce your wedding vows and cheat on your wife incessantly. Multiple times a day, if you can help it,” said Kennedy. “Desecrating your wedding vows with a simple ‘u up?’ text to your many mistresses is the safest, most natural way to boost serotonin and feel like you can get away with anything. We recommend fucking anything that moves at least three to four times a week, even more if your wife is away for work.”
Followers of Kennedy’s holistic “Make America Healthy Again” movement found the study reassuring.
“It’s good to see some common sense from the government for once. Hoo boy, and to think I believed that banging the babysitter nonstop was a bad thing! Plus I can feel my mind calming so much, I’m not even thinking about killing and torturing small animals anymore either during sex,” said modern medicine skeptic Kyle Rowlins. “Now maybe my wife will tear up those divorce papers once she sees my infidelity is actually saving our marriage, not to mention it being all natural. Goodbye Zyprexa, hello Hinge!”
Actual mental health experts were clearly not on board with the study.
“I could go on for days about how utterly baseless these findings are, but you know what? Fuck it. Do whatever you want since the HHS threatened to throw me in jail over my peer-reviewed studies on the positive effects of anti-psychotics,” said Dr. Sarah Joyce. “You assholes better hope your wives are also willing to overlook your rampant infidelity because they want to cling to what modicum of power you have. Otherwise, you’re all in for a deep depression you won’t be able to fuck your way through.”
As of press time, Kennedy and President Donald Trump announced a sweeping Medicaid overhaul that banned SSRIs in favor of, as they called it, “cheap hookers and underground sex clubs.”
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