Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show 

PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath of mobility and sensory aids, perplexed and energetic younger attendees report. 

“Half the time the metal detector wand isn’t even on, I just scan over people if my boss can see me. But when I saw this older gentleman walking up, I had genuine fear he had a weapon. This guy was weighed the fuck down. Turns out, he was just packing the entire CVS travel size section,” venue security Alex Bruschi grumbled while waving through a large group of teenagers without a second glance. “I don’t believe in those body scanners at the airport for a lot of reasons, but in this case having one would’ve saved me about 20 minutes. I was pretty disappointed when I realized the only drugs he had were Tums and Advil.” 

Taylor Sorrin, the 37-year-old described, ran through his showgoing routine.  

“Prep usually starts about three weeks out. Between parking research, making sure I have two sets of batteries for the neck fan, and cutting the insoles to perfectly accommodate my callouses, I’m probably doing about 10 hours of unpaid labor per show,” Sorrin explained while swapping out power banks for his already fully charged phone. “My ear plugs are the same ones worn by the guys who help land planes. Sometimes I can barely hear the music, but it’s worth it so I don’t have tinnitus by 40 like all of these other idiots.  

Venue owner and promoter Regina Tutti sees opportunity in the 35+ crowd.

“I’m thinking this is who I should be catering to. They’ve got way more money than the teens and all of their 2000s bands are cashing in on nostalgia tours anyway,” Tutti said while adding $1 to the price of everything on the bar menu. “Shows could start at 6:30, and I can carpet the floor with those toddler gymnastics mats for their fragile joints. I could even train the bartenders to say ‘Two is probably enough for a weeknight, don’t you think?’ They’d eat that up.” 

At the time of publication, a mid-30s couple was seen applying sunscreen at a fully indoor show.

The post Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show  appeared first on HARDTIMES.