‘I Could Fight a Bear,’ Says Man Who Can’t Call Out Rapist Friend

AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Brad Callahan confirmed Tuesday that he could absolutely take a full-grown grizzly in unarmed combat, moments before declining to send a single text message to a longtime friend recently charged with rape, confirmed sources.

“People don’t get how fast I am. Go for the eyes, get on its back, it’s over,” said Callahan, while demonstrating a chokehold on a bear that was not present and before being asked whether he might consider not inviting said friend, Gareth Reid, to his fantasy football draft. “Look, it’s complicated. I wasn’t there. You can’t just cut a guy off over something you didn’t personally witness. I was also not there during a fight with a bear, but that’s a whole other story.”

Amanda Rhee, Callahan’s ex-girlfriend, said the pattern predates the current situation.

“He once walked me through how he’d land a commercial airliner if both pilots went down. Full cockpit breakdown, very confident,” Rhee said. “But I watched him rehearse three versions of ‘hey man, that’s not cool,’ chicken out on all three, and then hand the guy another White Claw. He also liked to defend Gareth by saying ‘Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty,’ even though that’s the only time I’ve ever heard him care about jurisprudence whatsoever.”

Penelope Patel, the district attorney who prosecuted the case, said accountability had been hard to come by at every level.

“Unfortunately, even after the survivor had to relive her trauma in front of a jury, the judge ruled there was insufficient evidence. Gareth Reid’s father is a sitting judge, so much like his peers, the full legal apparatus of the state also couldn’t call this guy out,” Patel said. “Judge Reid and Judge Danbury, who presided over Gareth’s case, are squash buddies. I did overhear Judge Danbury saying that he hoped this whole thing wouldn’t affect the squash season. They’re not even playing in a tournament or anything; it’s just a series of casual games.”

At press time, Callahan was explaining that he “would’ve one hundred percent hidden a family in his attic” during the Holocaust, while asking a coworker to please stop bringing up Palestine at lunch.

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