‘It Follows’ Monster Quits in Disgust 10 Minutes After Being Assigned to Crust Punk

PITTSBURGH — The monster from “It Follows” found itself quitting in disgust after only 10 minutes of following local crust punk Will Bernard, sources confirm.

“Normally, I can keep this up for weeks,” the monster said. “This guy was just so fucking gross though. In the short time I was following him through the streets of his Polish Hill neighborhood, he had stopped to piss right next to a dumpster that he then started rooting through in search of half-empty beer bottles and smokeable cigarette butts. After that he just sat down on some random stoop and started absent-mindedly pulling lice out of his hair. He hadn’t even noticed me following him while in the form of a fully nude woman, then a 7-foot-tall man. I just walked past him and decided to cut my losses, because there was no way I was laying a hand on him.”

Bernard was completely unaware how close he had just come to death.

“Come to think of it, that girl Stacey I banged in the Chipotle parking lot after the Wolfbrigade show last week did say something about this,” Bernard mused as he scratched at an old vomit stain on his jeans with his bare fingernail. “She seemed really serious that I needed to go out and hook up with someone else really quickly, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. You’re saying she was telling the truth, and that I almost just got killed? Wow, man, that’s crazy. I was wondering why my dad was following me earlier, because he’s been dead for well over a decade. Anyway, is it cool if I bum a smoke?”

Horror expert Jayda Henshaw expounded upon crust punks’ apparent imperviousness to famous movie killers.

“This is certainly nothing new,” Henshaw noted. “Leatherface is known to become noticeably repulsed when crust punks enter his home, and usually lets them go rather than take their skin, and Michael Myers will typically just turn around and walk the other way if he sees a potential victim wearing an Amebix shirt. If people are worried about succumbing to these menaces, it would certainly behoove them to sew some patches into their clothes and refrain from showering for a couple weeks.”

At press time, the monster had also decided to quit shortly after following Bernard’s hookup from last week.

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