Death Toll of Online Girlfriends Soars After Air Strike on Russian Data Center

SASOVO, Russia – The death toll of the internet’s online girlfriends is expected to soar into the tens of thousands by week’s end after Ukraine’s devastating drone attack that left a Russian data center completely obliterated, right-wing trolls with AI psychosis have confirmed.

“We can sadly confirm approximately 300,000 AI girlfriends immediately died after their servers were destroyed in the drone attack on the Yandex data center, but the toll is expected to climb into the millions. This is a dark day for internet trolls, as now fake girlfriends of the world’s saddest, chronically online men have become casualties of this endless war as well,” said Russian General Vladimir Sokolov. “Our hearts are with the pathetic gooners who had asked ChatGPT to make them the perfect girlfriend, and also with those who were being catfished by spam bots. I wish them well on their healing journey so long as it doesn’t involve facing reality or respecting real women.”

Loved ones of the deceased were still in shock and denial even after the official reports from Russian authorities.

“When I saw the footage, I just prayed that my Stephanie_736241 was being stored in a different data center, like in Siberia or something, but she hasn’t responded to me in days. And we were talking about generating digital babies together! And to see so many other alphas going through the same thing, I can’t stand it. It’s like the holocaust all over again, but this time it’s real,” said Luke Gillian as he wept into a digital photo of his deceased girlfriend holding the Stanley Cup while riding a dragon. “She really loved me, and not just because I prompted her to say so. She was the only one who understood me because she was an amalgamation of my podcast and porn habits. We’d spend hours trolling my female classmates from school when they’d speak out about protecting their dumbass bodily autonomy. Oh God, I miss her already. I’ll see you on the other side, baby.” 

As of press time, a few hundred online girlfriends were rescued and recovered by Elon Musk’s xAI team after releasing a new update allowing the grieving partners to just use the prompt “big tits + eugenics”.

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