Supposedly Seedy Motel Doesn’t Even Secretly Film Guests Having Sex

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — A seedy motel off Route 66 proved disappointing for visitors who expected to be spied on in their rooms like in countless movies they’d seen before, according to bummed‑out sources. 

“If we didn’t want to be filmed having sex, we would have stayed at a nicer hotel,” said German tourist Fritz Schinkel. “The whole reason we chose this rundown roadside place was the assumption that our intimate activities would be monitored by the staff, just like in the American horror movies we’ve watched like ‘Psycho’ and ‘Vacancy.’ We searched the entire room and couldn’t find any evidence of voyeurism, so I guess we banged for nothing.”

The motel manager Bruce Gilbert was confused by the visitors’ dissatisfaction. 

“I’ve been managing motels for over 50 years, and this is the first time someone reamed me out because I wasn’t watching them get reamed out,” stated Gilbert. “Most people like privacy, so we’ve always tried to hire staff who respect that. But I guess these freaky Europeans are built differently. When I showed them all of our security cameras were only pointed outside the rooms, they were furious and demanded a refund. If it’s any consolation, their room definitely had mold and bed bugs, and the blankets hadn’t been cleaned since the ’90s.”

Hospitality expert Joyce Lee said the public would be surprised to learn that sleazy motels aren’t nearly as dangerously fun as they once were. 

“Gone are the days when you’d roll up to a tiny, isolated motel and find your life in danger from some backwoods locals,” said Lee. “These days, even tiny hotels are owned by large corporations that have boosted comfort and safety. The only real exception is in Florida, where almost all motels are run by degenerate creeps, who pride themselves on keeping things authentic, the kind of authenticity where guests have a very high chance of being watched, stalked, and waking up in an ice bath without one of their kidneys.”

At press time, the manager of the motel was drilling small peep holes into the painted eyes of every portrait in the guest rooms, in hopes of luring horny tourists back.

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