Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season
From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves fit throughout the season. Mental…
Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos
HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of…
Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. “Whether you’ve…
Man With Severe Dementia Starts Calling Common Objects Different Names
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An eighty-year-old man with severe dementia has started calling common objects different names, a leading expert in cognitive decline said on Thursday. The expert, Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota…
I Read Moby Dick Cover To Cover, and I Still Have No Idea if He Hooked up With Natalie Portman
Call me Ishmael, because that is, after all, my name: Ishmael Simmons. Ever since 2017, when musician Moby claimed to have dated actor Natalie Portman in 1999, when they were 33 and 18, respectively, my heart has known but one obsessive desire — to know…
Tim Kurkjian Quits ‘Baseball Tonight’ After Discovering MMA
BRISTOL, CT—Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering “a little boy sport,” longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. “They can hit each other,…
Dark Horse Emerges In Competition For Most Insane Coworker
MARIETTA, GA—After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for…
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret
CULVER CITY, CA—Amidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely…
Pete Hegseth Announces All Young Men Will Be Drafted to Either RAW or SmackDown
WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of War Pete Hegseth held a press conference this week to clarify plans, as directed by the president, on how a military draft will be executed and organized. “It’s no secret that we already have the most…
Grieving Widower Not Sure He’ll Ever Love Someone His Age Again
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died, grieving widower Anthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure he’d ever love someone his age again. “Linda was truly one of a…