Descendents Appeal To Aging Fanbase With New Song ‘Milo Goes to Bed Before 10’

LOS ANGELES — Descendents fans lucky enough to attend the band’s recent show at the Hollywood Palladium were treated to a brand new song called “Milo Goes to Bed Before 10,” introduced by lead singer Milo Aukerman as “a song for all the fans who remember where they were when the Challenger exploded,” confirmed sources.

“Look, most of our fans are old enough to carry AARP cards,” said Aukerman while mixing a tablespoon of Metamucil into a glass of water. “They’re at an age where ‘clean sheets’ just means they didn’t have an accident in the middle of the night. So it only made sense for us to start writing about stuff middle-aged people could relate to. You know, get rid of the songs about girls, and coffee, and skateboards and start playing songs about grandmas, decaf, and those canes with the tennis balls on the bottom.”

Fans seemed excited for the new material.

“I think it’s great that they’re making music for us aging punks,” said Descendents fan Ken Mosely. “Unfortunately, I didn’t actually get to hear the new song because the wife and I ducked out early to beat traffic. What am I supposed to do? I had work in the morning and it was already 9:05 by the time the band started their set. If they want their fans to stay for the whole show they need to either start earlier or schedule it for a weekend!”

A small minority of Descendents fans, however, are unhappy with the band’s new shift toward age-appropriate subject matter.

“Dude, get that geriatric shit outta here!” said pop-punk enthusiast Dave Mungo. “Being an adult is for like, accountants and shit, not punks. I refuse to grow up and I got two ex-wives and a shift manager at McDonald’s who will back me up on that. If the Descendents want to start playing songs about Activia yogurt, and starting a Roth IRA, no skin off my sack. I don’t need ‘em. I’ve still got plenty of immature bands like The Queers and Screeching Weasel that I can blast in my mom’s basement whenever I want!”

Bolstered by the largely positive reception fans have had towards the new song, the band announced that they are working on a new album appropriately titled “Oldage” that will be followed by a tour where every song will be no louder than 70db and all the shows are guaranteed to end at 8 p.m. sharp.

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